Transformations: shedding shadows and stepping into the light

Originally my plan for my first blog post of the year was to reflect on what I managed to accomplish last year, the hurdles I got over, and the new challenges I hoped to embrace. I'm sure some of that will still find its way into this post, but as the climate has changed in the world around me, things I would possibly have danced around seem all the more important to get out into the open.
This is a space for me to talk about running, specifically in the world of ultras, and all the amazing things I'm able to experience through those adventures. All you need is a pair of shoes, and even that is negotiable for some. When it comes to racing, or participating in organized events, there's a greater complication for me. The box. The dreaded box. It comes with two letters, most of the time, and you're supposed to pick one. Simple enough, right?
To be fair, I've hesitated to use this space as a platform for anything other than running, pictures of rad places I go while running, etc. But recent events in my life and in the world around me have shown me the importance of using my voice, sharing it with others, and being true to myself. If even one person out there stumbles across this, reads it, and feels less alone, then it will be worth it.
For as long as I've had this blog, in my profile I mention that I am genderqueer. Most people pay no attention to it. Some people have no context for that term and have asked me privately to explain it to them. The truth is, that was an in-between-the-boxes space I was trying to live in. For years I've navigated the in-between but never claimed one side or the other to be my own. If you look at my UltraSignup profile, I have race results in both boxes, both the M and the F.

The in-between, however, was beginning to feel less between and more invisible. In my head and my heart I have always held a vision of myself, of who I was and who I am and the world reflected that image, from time to time, but often saw me as something else. When fellow runners yelled passing encouragement of 'you go girl' I tried so hard to embrace that, but that's just not me.
For decades I've fought the desire to explore hormone treatment therapy to transition, for fear. Fear of losing my family, my job, my community. But this fear-less life of invisibility was becoming increasingly harder to face from day to day. Imagine waking up every day, getting dressed, looking in the mirror and seeing yourself one way, and then having the world reflect something completely the opposite back to you. I know that my experience is unique to myself, but shared by millions.
One thing that has been extraordinary about the ultra running community is the depth to our individual strengths. It seems we've all come from something, and many of us have found this sport as a place where we can face the sometimes complicated pieces of ourselves and cross the finish line stronger.
So this year, as I toe the line, I'll hopefully hold more confidence in the 'M' I've checked off on my entry. I'm a long ways away from giving any of the incredible beards of ultra running any sort of competition (Krar, Robbins, Koerner, I'm looking at you) there's now hope that someday I may also have facial hair worthy of its own Twitter handle.
I'm training again for the Vermont 100. I'll be running again this year as a charity runner for Vermont Adaptive Ski and Sport. (If you're feeling generous, feel free to donate here, and thanks!) I got some great runs in while out in the desert visiting my family for the holidays, and I've had some fun running around Prospect Park and Central Park on visits to NYC, the Fells Reservoir outside of Boston, and still hitting the trails and roads of Vermont, where I'm currently living. Here are a handful of pics from those adventures, in reverse chronological order...

Exploring new trails

Snowy, sunny fun in the Fells Reservoir
trails outside of Boston

So sad, my Kathoola spikes
busted, but still made it work

Can you find the stairs?

Snowy trails in Vermont...
I think I'm getting the hang of it

Am I doing this right?

Central Park in January

Wooded trails tucked inside the city.
Trying to be better about taking
occasional selfies...

From my run in Central Park

Still learning how to properly layer, but
these gloves from my sister and her
family have been clutch!

Lake Champlain

A very frozen morning

Really enjoyed the juxtaposition of the windsurfing
rental container amidst the snow

A day out in the Estrellas

I love this spot

the land where i'm from...hence the fascination
with the snow&ice where I currently live

I'm trying to focus on getting some of my long lost speed back, and slowly making headway. While HRT has yet to give me any super powers, its at least starting to erase the one super power I never asked for- invisibility.

If this is something you hope to not read any further about, most likely I'll return to my regular content in talking more strictly about running, adventures, and pictures of the places I've been. However, if you think there's anyone in your life that might benefit from knowing that there's someone else out there experiencing the same thing, please share this with them. A lot of my work is with youth on the LGBTQIA spectrum, and one thing I hear most often is that the hardest part is how alone they can feel in the world. More importantly, if you know a young person who needs immediate support, introduce them to resources like the Trevor Project.

Lastly, I also want to use this space to thank my family for showing up, standing by me, and continuing to encourage me to be my 'Unique and Unrepeatable' self. It's hard to know that if I had been brave enough to share this with y'all sooner that I could have been living a more authentic life for longer, but I'm glad to have you along for the journey such that it is.

As always, thanks for reading. And, as the recently passed John Morelock would say, Run Gently Out There. And John, wherever you are, thanks for your kind words and our personal correspondence around these very struggles that I shared with you years ago. You were kind and accepting and a truly generous soul.

#ftm, #VT100, #ultrarunning, #queer, #trans